When it comes to relationships for Massachusetts spouses, conflict is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be emotionally distressing or callous.
Massachusetts couples can disagree and, yes, even fight while still showing compassion and respect for each other, according to psychologists.
In fact, clinical psychologists say, married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce. Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place. When one or both partners are indifferent toward their relationship, they don’t care enough to even fight.
That said, frequent heated and hurtful conflict is certainly not healthy or sustainable, either. You can have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together, according to a 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Researchers found that expressing anger to a romantic partner caused the short-term discomfort of anger, but also incited honest conversations that benefited the relationship in the long run.
If you want to navigate conflict with your partner in a healthier and more productive way, keep these things in mind during your next argument:
Be curious about your fights
During counseling sessions, social workers commonly ask couples, “What does the 5:30 fight look like on weekdays?”
That’s because couples often have the same fight over and over – almost following a script – without solving anything.
A common cause of “the 5:30 fight,” is one partner wanting to tell the other about their day, and the other partner avoiding it – needing a minute to decompress after getting home from work. This likely leads to one partner accusing the other of not caring about them, and the other partner feeling attacked.
Instead, professionals encourage couples to pinpoint what triggers this repetitive fight, and try out ways to compromise instead of allowing the conflict to erupt. Rather than following the same old script, notice that you fight when one person gets home, and suggest a new way around that. You can say, “What if we just pause, say hello or kiss hello, give it 15 minutes, and come back together.” This way, both partners can communicate that they do want to hear about the other person’s day and together, find the best way to do that.
Schedule a time for conflict
Despite having even the most open lines of communication, conflicts are still bound to happen. And when they do, it’s helpful to choose a time to talk through problems. If you start to have a fight, say, “Let’s pick it up this evening, or another time when there’s time to discuss things.”
Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners the space to regroup and prepare. They can think about the best way to communicate their feelings in a calmer, more rational way, so as to avoid the instinct of being defensive or accusatory. Most of the time, things are said on impulse in the heat of anger, but the words stay with us.
Call a timeout if you or your partner needs one
During an argument, it’s common for one or both partners to enter “fight, flight or freeze” mode. Humans enter one of these modes when they think they may be in danger, he says. “Fight or flight” refers to when stress hormones activate to give people more energy to either fight the stressor or run from the situation. And “freeze” mode occurs when a person simply does not react at all, in hopes that the stressor loses interest in the fight.
When a couple is in this precarious zone, problem solving is highly unlikely, because each person is solely focused on reacting to the perceived threat they feel from their partner. And if only one person is in the “fight, flight or freeze” mode, while the other is trying to resolve the issue, it can frustrate both people and escalate the fight.
If you’re really upset with someone and they’re trying to problem solve, it can feel like they’re not even listening. Experts often encourage, in those moments, that someone needs to call a timeout.
And you can frame this timeout in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel like you’re simply walking away. Perhaps somebody says, “Okay, I want to have this conversation. I need like 10 minutes to calm down. I love you, I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to come back to this, we’re going to figure it out.”
When returning to the discussion after the brief hiatus, both people will be in a better place to make real progress.
Should you be in the midst of a divorce or contemplating divorce, contact the Law Offices of Renee Lazar at 978-844-4095 to schedule a FREE one hour no obligation consultation.