According to relationship and marriage experts, Massachusetts couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That means that after an issue arises, people are more likely to live the better part of a decade with resentment growing, as opposed to addressing and fixing it with a divorce while it’s manageable.
It sucks, but the only thing that’s worse than not fixing your marriage while it’s possible is to deny that it’s over.
Here are five signs that divorce is the next step for you and your spouse to find healthy relationships and move on.
Sign 1: You’ve Tried (And Tried)
The first sign of knowing that you need a divorce is knowing that you tried not to have a divorce in the first place.
The first question relationship experts ask couples who come for therapy in the midst of trying to decide whether they need a divorce or not is, “What have you done to remove the defense mechanisms and negativity from the relationship?’
And people often haven’t done anything but they are ready to throw in the towel – and the biggest regret of divorcees is that they divorced. In other words, you don’t want to feel trapped by the mistakes of the relationship once you’re out of it. Before signing any papers, make sure you can say you tried everything you could to save the relationship.2
Sign 2: There Is a Deal Breaker
There are instances where one spouse wants to re-establish the goodness of a relationship, but the other doesn’t. There may be cases of infidelity, or addiction and these issues can be the hardest when it comes to deciding to divorce. The hardline deal breakers for marriage that constitute divorce are: complete emotional disengagement, physical or emotional abuse, active addictions that a spouse isn’t willing to work on, and explosive fights that happen quickly and often.
Sign 3: Small Arguments Don’t Happen Anymore
According to relationship experts, there are two types of couples: stone cold couples and fiery hot couples. Fiery hot couples can get entrenched in arguments that can go on for days and often get wrapped up in small squabbles, while stone cold couples are past the point of arguing and don’t let anything get to them. What seems like peace can actually be a sign that the couple is emotionally distant.
People think that it’s the fiery couples who are more likely to divorce but it’s actually the stone cold couples who are past the point of preserving a relationship – even a friendship,. They don’t care to fight anymore and given up emotionally, which is a better indication of nearing the end than a few arguments are.”
Sign 4: There’s Contempt
There are four major defense mechanisms which refers to as the “four horseman” that can create patterns of discontent in your marriage. They are criticism, defense, stonewalling, and contempt. But out of these four, there’s one that is a bigger threat than any other: contempt.
Contempt is an almost surefire sign that a couple is headed towards divorce. Contempt involves attacking your spouse’s self worth and making them feel like they are below you. At that point, you might be having disgusted or nasty thoughts about your spouse. You are not being loving and or showing respecting or being a teammate which are the baseline in a marriage.”
Sign 5: There’s No Appreciation
Our brains are lovely in the sense that we feel what we think. So think positive things, start meditating on the good, and shift the negative sentiment about your partner into some place of having gratitude for them. But what if you are past the point of trying to think happy thoughts and feel them? What if you can’t seem to see your spouse in a positive light no matter how hard you try?
It’s not a surprise that common issues turn into irreconcilable differences. If you allow negativity to build up for six years that means that culture of appreciation in your relationship is long gone and if you can’t appreciate someone, then your relationship is gone, too.
Should you be in the midst of a divorce or contemplating divorce, contact the Law Offices of Renee Lazar at 978-844-4095 to schedule a FREE one hour no obligation consultation.