A Massachusetts divorce isn’t a bubble that’s ready to burst.
Most people assume that a divorce is a shocker, something that comes right out of the blue when it is least expected.
Perhaps, to family and friends, that may be the case.
But to the couple involved, it’s something they would have seen all along.
Most of us make the grave error of taking the things that matter most for granted.
And a marriage that’s taken for granted has a good chance of ending in divorce.
Reasons for divorce and why couples never notice it
Divorce almost never happens all of a sudden.
Problems constantly build up over time, and at some point the inevitable happens. Or one more accusation or error pushes the ball downhill and then, everything else comes crashing through the foundation of the marriage.
For a long time, I’ve been startled by the divorce crisis in the United States. Many of my own friends have now given up on ever marrying because the statistics in our country seem to make the whole marriage thing sound so scary and worthless.
But things don’t have to go the scary way. Yes, it’s not easy. But nothing ever is easy, is it? It’s your passion and interest in something that makes it easy.
At times, divorce may be inevitable. But work towards a better marriage, see the signs when things get bad and put in the effort to bring the relationship back into the happy place. It’ll make all the difference.
Top reasons for divorce in new marriages
Are you in a marriage that’s less than three years old? Well, then you’re probably going to experience any of these little signs that may not seem like such a big deal to begin with.
You may still be infatuated by each other or may be too deep in mad love to see any signs of a bad marriage. But if you care to take a peep and find one of these signs, take a good look and work on it before it’s too late.
#1 You think you’re too good. Have you ever felt like you’re too good for your partner? Or do you think you deserve someone better than your spouse? It may seem like a petty and funny thought now, but dissatisfaction over time will trick you into making mistakes you may end up regretting. Your spouse may have a lot of great qualities too, only if you can get your head out of the clouds and take a good look at them.
#2 You feel constrained. Ever felt like the marriage is holding you back from achieving your true potential, be it a career option or racking up notches on the bedpost? If you feel like you’re too good to be tied down, big chances are, you’ll look for every opportunity to break out of the cage when no one’s looking.
#3 Lack of communication. Communication isn’t just about talking to each other. Communication is about understanding each other clearly and learning more about each other. Most couples talk, but don’t communicate. A relationship without good communication is a bomb waiting to explode.
#4 Expectations from each other. For many, marriage is the next step in the great way of life. But that’s not the case for everyone. When two lovers get married, they have expectations from each other and the relationship. And at times, the expectations aren’t mutual and end up distancing two people who haven’t communicated each other’s wants and expectations at the time of marriage.
#5 Difference in cultural backgrounds. At the beginning, the stark differences in families and friends, and different religious beliefs may seem cute and worth a petty fight. But all it takes is a few months of suppressed ideas and opposing thoughts to wreak havoc in a marriage.
#6 Your spouse doesn’t understand your needs or wants. This is far more common than most people assume. As we evolve as individuals, we have our own needs and wants from life. Have you ever felt like your partner doesn’t understand your passion or interests in life?
#7 A sudden change in lifestyle. A marriage isn’t just a ring around the finger. It’s a whole new life and a new lifestyle. If you haven’t moved in with each other, you may never understand the real issues of living together. If you love your space and privacy and hate having someone breathing down your neck all the time, perhaps moving in together first would be a better way to test the waters.
#8 Trust. Do you really trust your spouse? Do you find their behavior suspicious, especially when they’re talking to a friend over the phone? Trust is an important pillar in marriage. If you can’t trust your spouse, you definitely can’t survive the marriage.
#9 Jealousy and insecurity. Insecurity is a little worm that crawls into your heart and grows over time. It may be your spouse’s fault, or they may have nothing to do with it. Jealousy can be cute at first, but not if it leads to big fights or confusions.
#10 Incompatible personalities. At times, both of you may be two perfect individuals who are just completely imperfect for each other. Both of you may share nothing in common and over time, you may find that both of you are better off getting divorced and dating or marrying other people.
Top reasons for divorce in seasoned marriages
Many people assume that long marriages are indestructible. After all, they’ve weathered the winds of change and have survived the storm. But in most cases, they’ve just learnt to live with the differences.
#1 Infidelity. The idea of infidelity almost always crops up in a marriage at some point or the other. You could find someone else extremely interesting or you may find yourself constantly trying to cheat, either for the excitement or in the hope of satisfying your urges. What matters here is figuring out whether the juice is worth the squeeze.
#2 Money. Money always has a way of making life better or making life worse. There are only two extremes and no middle ground with money. Are you dissatisfied with your spouse’s earnings or monetary investment towards the marriage in any manner? This may start off as a nagging thought to begin with, but unless you discuss this with your spouse, you could be heading down the road of divorce over time.
#3 Abusive or controlling relationships. If you’ve ever felt like your partner is trying to control you or abuse you in some manner, it’s best to have a conversation about it. At times, your spouse may not even realize that they’re trying to manipulate you or control you.
#4 Priorities change. A marriage is a lifetime of togetherness. And as individuals, our priorities in life too change all the time. If you want to have a successful marriage and avoid any reason for divorce, learn to understand each other’s priorities. Don’t expect your partner to stay the same forever. Talk to each other and help each other become better individuals, and you’ll learn to fall more in love with each other.
#5 Emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are the easiest to fall into. And at most times, you may not even realize it. Do you feel really comfortable with a coworker at your workplace, perhaps of the opposite sex? And do you feel like this person really understands you and gives you the perfect advice for all your doubts? Or do you feel really happy and refreshed every time you have a long conversation with this friend of the opposite sex?
If you ever feel like you emotionally connect better with someone other than your spouse, chances are, you’re already in an emotional affair. Just how bad or troublesome it is, that’s something you need to think about. But don’t worry, emotional affairs are far more common than you think.
#6 Difference in sexual interests. As relationships grow, the sexual excitement and the arousal too start to change. You see the same naked person every night. Is it really possible to get wet or hard in an instant, every time you see your naked spouse lying in bed?
One of you may enjoy sex while the other just doesn’t enjoy sex anymore. Or perhaps, things have just started to get really boring. Sex plays a pretty important part in a successful marriage. Work on it and get better at it.
#7 Your spouse doesn’t excite you. This can happen to spouses who are not fascinated or awed by their partners. It isn’t just about sexual interest. You may like your spouse as a friend, but there’s no passion or happiness when you’re with each other. Both of you just live together, lead two separate lives and have your good friends. And after some time, you may wonder why you’re even together anymore.
#8 There’s more to life than this. You’re scared your life will be too meaningless with your spouse. You’ve been together for several years, and yet have no memories or special thoughts that excite you. If you feel like you need to go out there and see the world in all its hues, then perhaps a trial separation or a break may be the best way forward.
#9 Friends who are bad for the marriage. Some friends are just the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. They probably lead sad, lonely lives themselves or just can’t get along with your spouse. And they do everything possible to convince you that you can get a better catch, if only you tried.
#10 Addictions. Addictions are little things that come between two partners in a big way. Do you have any addictions that bother your spouse, be it sexual or something alcoholic? Addictions may not affect relationships directly. But your dependence on the addiction and the way it affects your life may affect your marriage. Overcome addictions, or try to get your partner to support you and understand you better while you try to overcome it.
Should you be in the midst of a divorce or contemplating divorce, contact the Law Offices of Renee Lazar at 978-844-4095 to schedule a FREE one hour no obligation consultation.